Regrets From Bhutan

John arrives with a 12-kilo medical kit and enough snacks for an army. Bagger brings nothing but regrets and complaints about trash. Between them, Bhutan looks both magnificent and mildly disappointing.

Roger grows mutton chops and reinvents himself as “Ashley Gideon,” a 19th-century adventurer who probably never existed. Forestry rangers catalog plants, we hunt for beer, and yak cheese proves harder than iPhones.

Bhutan never lost to invading Tibetans, thanks to fortresses on hilltops and monks with attitude. We, however, are losing badly to our guide — a man who wants authority but not the work that comes with it.

Ben grew up herding kangaroos into cross-fire kill zones with AC/DC blaring. Now he’s in Bhutan, battling altitude pills that make beer taste like sweaty socks. Survival, Australian style.

At 4,000 meters Bagger is still talking, which is impressive given the lack of oxygen and his surplus of opinions. Our guide introduces Bhutan’s Warrior-Monks; we counter with beer, cynicism, and a wooden phallus.